Ghosts of Host

This dates back to my university days in the UK.  One fine evening, some of us friends were discussing the HOST program that the uni offers us 'international' students to experience a weekend under the hospitality of the British. [there aint none but lets not jump the gun]. I thought to myself, a weekend with a strange old couple would be weird. Thats when my dearest of dearest Eliza said "lets go together".
4 - 5 of my friends had been through this program and visited isolated pockets of Great Britan. They all had stories to tell which quite honestly depicted all sorts of emotions.. bitter sweet awkward and some were very cordial. 

So thats when Eliza and I registered ourselves to spend a weekend away with a family who would host us. 
Our preferences were not easy, now an excessive beef sausage 'lukumade' eater, eliza was then a strict vegan. i cannot tell you how many evenings we had pumpernickel with tahini for lunch breakfast and dinner. i was almost a vegan ! [Pumpernickel is a pumpkin seed and other weird seeds bread with contains no dairy no sugar no yeast no oil.. YUMM.. at first you feel a bomb just exploded in your mouth but then u get used to it]

Weeks after registering we got a call. A couple Laurie & Sandra invited us to Christchurch, few miles away from bournemouth.  I managed to book some cheap train tickets to get there. Bags were packed.
   
(clear throat)

let me come to the point...

we ditched the couple !!!!!!!!!

when we first got to bournemouth, the lady, sandra came to pick us up.. Made us both sit on the back seat with seat belts on. Her shivering hands had not enough strength as she struggled to pull the seat belt close to the clasp.

In my head ,"this is not weird... this is not weird... this is not weird" is playing on repeat.  She drove us to her home.. Moments after sitting into the car she listed all deficiencies and illnesses she possesses.  With all that excess or deficient in her body she still makes an effort to seatbelt us.. quite a fighter i must say.

Cigarettes killed my sister 

She told us about how her children live 2 mins away from her and never bother to visit.. and how her lesbian daughter ignores her blah blah 
Me "This is not weird.. this is not weird.. This lady is homophobic.. this lady is homophobic"

well christchurch is a beautiful village in the suburbs of bournemouth. i have always wanted to visit bournemouth

especially after seeing saiko's video n the balloon ride... i got tad bit disappointed after actually seeing the "hot air balloon" i thought it would travel around.. but it was this big balloon wit thousand cables attached ... anyways.. 

let me tell u guys the story as it happened.

so we reached Christchurch... the man Laurie wasnt there..We learnt later that he went practicing for his trombone performance. So the lady took us home.. at first it was all very nice..the house was cosy enough.. the lady seemed alright.. it was a lil weird to stay in someone else's house.. 

when eliza removed her cigarette manufacturing tools, sandra jumped of her seat and said "my sister died of smoking" and then the next 17 min we heard the sister's life story... the couple is 67.. they look much older though..  everything was borderline ok..

 the man walked in later that evening.. we sat down for dinner.. the portions were tiny.. when i say tiny.. i mean tiny...  all through the evening sandra went on and on about how she buys cheap mushrooms, onions and tomatoes close to expiry date to save money.. *bon appetite*

there was one small bowl of pasta for the four of us !    A bowl small enough to pass for a single serving. The uni canteen serves bigger portions !

i was trying to fit in the scenario... eliza just looked dazed..  this was the place where nobody would listen to her... A place where  she could  not jump and scream or even break in to a sirtaki dance.. things weren't going her way.. Whenever she would  step out to smoke a cigarette, the dead sister's story would commence... she felt trapped !  She has a presentation in austria the following week for she had prepare and  she was carrying her laptop to work on it atleast a little bit ;-)      so eliza asked laurie.. "do u have internet ?" just this simple question and waiting for a simple yes or no. 

that man asked her which year was she born... eliza said 1986 why ? laurie.. went on and on about how he owned a computer even before eliza was born.. dunno why he took it as an offense..  thats how we wasted another 23 odd mins of our lives.. 

eliza would ask something and the lady would reply smething totally out of topic.. she asked abt museums in bournemouth.. sandra explained us the musical historyof bournemouth..  Sandra reminded us of the old lady  from the movie requiem for a dream !!  we were fast approaching depression.. i dont know how  my friends managed by themselves... ! We sat in the living room after dinner. Sandra sat on a armchair to the right talking to us looking upwards in the opposite direction..  

In such situations Eliza need a smoke.. And the lady would keep repeating "Cigarettes killed my sister.. so it shall kill you too"

The old man was rude.  He was so proud of the english culture and would ask us about how life was in our respective "under developed" countries.. this went on until the evening... and then they put us to bed at 9.00 pm !  lights switched off. its bed time. Me"  

This is bloddy weird.. this is bloody weird... this is bloody weird !!1"

So the both of us,in our sleeping bags,  lay down in bed at 9 pm with growling stomachs..And because english houses have walls thinner than paper.. we couldnt even talk properly we were silently murmuring things..and trying to lip read wat the other person is saying.

I couldn't sleep the night , as Eliza had told me the old man was about to enter the room while she was changing clothes.. And that he knew she was going in to change. WTF.  She labelled him a pervert and that just kept coming back to me. 

The last nail on the coffin..

next morning was sooo boring..    eliza couldnt stand them a minute.. i was ok really. not the happiest bt i couldnt manage another 24 hours. Also this was the last weekend  in uk.. eliza and i were to leave for home on the following week.. and be back only be back for graduation. So this wasnt the ideal time we imagined to spend that too on beautiful sunny days in bournemouth... !!!!! *frustrating*

Morning breakfast, the same old tiny bowl was presented. this time with some cereals. And we headed to a charity event where laurie was playing the trombone.  in a brass band.. *facepalm*

*DISCOMFORT  DETECTED*

The couple is a part of a program called University of the third age. Where, retired people come together sing , play music ,  sew, knit , paint and do all sorts of activities that makes them feel pretty cool.  

Eliza and I had thought of telling the couple after breakfast that 'this isn't working for us.. you have been lovely..  lets part ways.. Ciao Ciao'    But that didn't quite happen. Neither of us knew how to bring this up.  So through the breakfast , car ride to  trombone playing concert or whatever, and through the performance eliza and i kept nudging each other to speak up first. 

The day was beautiful.. we walked to the beach. Lil kids running around, parents and children with tiny fishing rods sitting on small boats, birds chirping and us and the weird couple saying  "Cigarettes killed my sister.. so it shall kill you too"  .. 

sir, can have a coffee ? "NO."

Eliza suggested for a coffee in some beautiful beach side cafe.. the man said no no lets walk and head home..   ELIZA WAS DENIED HER COFFEE...Nobody denies her of her coffee.. she was fuming.. could have murdered him easily ..

eliza and i had a plan to ditch them... but now it was time to execute it.. 

so we faked some phonecalls.. we said we have a friend... she has fever we got to go.. The couple didn't listen and said, by the time you go back to home she would be better and probably hospitalized. 

Thats when i faked a phone call and hung up .. looked straight into the old man's eyes and said "SARAH is  now is spitting BLOOD... We have to go.. " to make this believable we gave our oscar winning performances..  this went on  for 5 hours..

But it worked !

we planned we'll take a train from christchurch to bournemouth ... find a hostel.. enjoy life.. and go back the next day as scheduled.

despite all our efforts... they dropped us to bournemouth train station.. and waited till we bloody board the train..now bournemouth station is small tiny room.. where u can see through the platforms even while standing outside the station. even after goodbyes..and thank yous.. they stood there to watch us board the bloody train..  

the man even insisted he would talk to the train office guys to change our tickets.. urghhhhhhh

sticky situation..!  so we bought tickets to the next station.. from the ticket machines.. and acted as though we boarded the train..

later we hid for 15 mins behind the platform wall waiting for the car to leave.  when they left.. 

We were freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee !

We walked on the streets of Bournmeouth.. It was getting dark.. We had no idea where to go.. what to do.. we just felt FREE..  We sat in a taxi , asked him to take us to a hostel. A few shady looking hostels crawl later, we settled into a BnB.

Stormed into mexican restaurant..  had full size meals ..  The waiter wondered why we ordered 4 full mains. 

Later , went to a club where we danced with some men dressed like the toy story crew.. i wonder why.. walked all around bournemouth..   sat on some twister rides on the beach at midnight, ... WE AINT SLEEPING AT 9 PM BITCHES !

eliza happily rolled ciggarettes whenver she wanted.. she could sing and dance now.. she could scream and smoke now... sat on the balloon ride.. had coffees on the beach... got broke.. We barely had some change left to get us to the train station.

had a blast..    so this how we cheated the hosts.. 

love,

one of the worst candidate for host

the other one is rolling cigarettes in Greece.